i have so much to say. i’ve been through so much this year. moved out last week. i’m in a tiny apartment with two of the dogs, the kid is here off and on (i get like 46% custody). i’ve been skating a lot. I’ve lost 25 pounds since june(in a good way). I’m still fucking sober. i’m going to the netherlands in february for 8 days. i’m woefully broke. i need a much better job, because all my income is only slightly under what my actual bills are. i’d basically been a stay at home dad for 3 years, and needing to take my part time job into ft has been not awesome.


things could be worse, they really could. hoping they get better though. s

The Venn diagram of gaslighting and Dunning Krueger is a circle in my ex lives in the middle of it.


It’s the most frustrating/infuei thing I’ve ever experienced.

it has not yet set in for me that in less than a month i will be in a new house, an apartment likely. i’ll see my kid half as much as i do now. i’ll never see the cats again, or the big dog. i’ll have the bed and the dining table, but not the desk. i’ll have my tools but nothing to build.


this time next month i’ll likely be in a tiny apartment. pizza friday for one, and every other week the sun will rise on my eyes for a long weekend. it has not yet set in for me, that.


Driving home to do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Tonight we’re telling our 4 year old that mommy and daddy are getting a divorce. I’m sick. I’m disgusted. I’m ashamed. I know it’ll pass but right now I’m beside myself.

perfectquote:

“My heart is a thousand years old. I am not like other people.”

— Charles Bukowski

2 black walnut trees

1 peach tree

1 very small lemon tree

1 (presumed)dead blueberry bush

1 sycamore tree

2 struggling maple trees

4 tomato vines

1 texas pecan tree(loaded with fruit)

Covid Again


this is my 2nd confirmed case, but maybe my 3rd. first was last july. what is it about summer sickness? not too bad, like, bad but not awful. fever seems to have broke, i’m still insanely achy and incredibly bored.

one of the hardest things about this is needing comfort but not being able to turn to you for it

In my life
I hope I lie, and tell everyone you were a good wife

Feels weird to think that every year I’m going to make my silly little post about “ohh look another year sober” but I mean it’s kinda a big deal right? For the longest time I accepted and believed that I would die from drinking or die because of drinking, and here I am, still kicking while others who, in my opinion, should still be here aren’t.


People ask me why I got sober and to be honest I don’t ~really~ know. I mean I just woke up one morning in a hotel and realized there was a lot of things I wanted to do that I couldn’t if I was drunk. That simple. No shaking hands, no relapses, no big temptations. And to be honest, it makes me question the validity of my addiction if I could give it up so easily. But it’s still there, deep inside. It’s just that the new addiction is stronger than the old one. Life is kind of like a junkyard of old car parts. just keeps swapping parts to keep the motherfucker running– change this for that, okay, the wipers are broken but the car still runs, so don’t worry about it.


Anyways, I’m doing my best and it’s important to look back once in a while, but keep that car moving forward, if you drive in the rearview you’re bound to crash eventually. Thanks to my loved ones. I’m still here. Another year on the streets. #sobriety

image

realizing that you have no control. not that you want control of anything per se, but realizing that you are in a situation that you seemingly can only make worse. that sentence seems inelegant, and you know, it probably is but… yeah.

i wish you were trying. i know you’re not, and you’re barely hiding it. i want so much more.

We saw Dawes again last Saturday. My favorite band. At least the last few years in my later years. It was fantastic as always.


I feel a shift towards something unpleasant and my stomach turns thinking about it. I emailed my therapist and I’m getting the band back together. I don’t know what can be fixed or salvaged or jettisoned but I need someone to talk to. I need to be whole.

I’m coming up on 9 years sober. I feel like I don’t get or frankly GIVE myself enough credit for that. But all it really did was make me live with how much I hate myself, only soberly. It’s like eating shit sandwiches with jelly for forever but suddenly giving up on jelly. Hope you’re hungry.

I didn’t know this cover existed until recently.

Gotten like 100 new followers in the last 2 weeks. All of them are bots. Anyway, welcome. Hope you enjoy my blog.

Why am I getting 2-3 new bot followers per day now? Jesus Christ life is hard enough for me rn I don’t need this kinda false hope/excitement.

heymikewaskom:

I was going to make a list of Subway stops in New York City that meant something to me, but when i realized that i listed every R Train stop in Manhattan south of 59th st, I decided to think of others besides those… In no particular order:

  • 57th st. F train
  • W 81st St C train
  • 77th st 6 train
  • 23rd st R
  • 23rd st F
  • 23rd st 6 (northbound only)
  • Astor Place
  • 8th st. R
  • Whitehall R
  • Wall St 2, 3
  • Delancy F
  • 14th, Union Square N, Q, R (and that long ass transfer to the 4,5,6, L)
  • Court St. R
  • Jay St. Metro Tech F (brooklyn bound only)
  • 9th st. 4th ave, R, F.
  • w. 79th st. 1 train.

honorary mention; M79 crosstown BUS at 2nd ave.

Underrated post of mine.